she was the keeper at a skybar in that small town i moved to last september, for whatever reason i did that i don’t know. that was in april already, around the time i was heartbroken because of ithaka that i’ve met arizona, who was as well heartbroken because of some guy ralph. I didn’t get the whole story about them, but as he was […] and I had a few good looks at him, i was pretty sure he was a giant douche – the name alone speaks volumes, doesn’t it? ralph, ugh.
arizona had a sadness in her eyes that you usually only find in eastern european gay porn, as they say. they only broke up a week ago or so, while ithaka and i separated about two months ago – we were not a couple, just a few weeks of dating or whatever you wanna call it – and i felt like we were equally devastated about our situation. a match made in heaven obviously, not love or anything but a possibility to give each other some comfort, i guess.
didn’t know she was way older than me, when i started to flirt with her […], not really being serious about it as i was – naturally – not exactly what you’d call emotionally available for something serious. was more of a ‹do i still got it in me› kind of thing at first, and i seemed to still have it in me, as the poem and the drawing i did for her at the bar, like some pretentious asshole who calls himself a poet, made her smile and she said ‹yes› when i asked her out.
when she realized i was only 28, she said that it would probably only be one date, but that was fair enough to be honest. didn’t picture my future with her anyway, and sometimes one date, something out of the ordinary everyday bullshit, can be good enough, i’m not a picky eater. vibe shifted over the evening though, from ‹yeah, a date would be nice› to ‹man, i have to take care of that poor child› and it went a little something like that:
after her shift her, me and two of our friends went to another bar and she and i talked a lot, greek mythology, her time in china, some of my boring stories, then about her ex and she almost started crying, drank way too much and the moment i was inside to get her a glass of water because i figured she could need one, she was spilling out liquids already. liquids only, she hadn’t eaten in days and i made her drink a lot of water and eat half of my late night sandwich, so she would have at least some bacon and eggs in her stomach and wouldn’t die on me right then and there. helped a little.
when she told me she wants to go home, i asked her if she wants me to accompany her – wouldn’t have had a great feeling leaving her on her own and to my relieve she said yes – had no ulterior motives here really, was just worried. on the way she complained about the cold and i gave her my jacket, but she said ‹but i wanted to cuddle with you.›, to which i replied ‹arizona, we still can, but now you take the jacket.› she invited me in and made me spoon her, wasn’t that bad. bad was only she put some show on and i really can’t fall asleep watching stuff, no matter how tired i’d feel, had to watch like four episodes until netflix finally asked ‹are you still watching?›, while she already fell asleep in my arms.
that night i, of course, had a dream about ithaka. i was at a supermarket, when i got text of some asshole and his friend – whom I knew a couple life times ago and were not in relation to ithaka or anyone i know now – talked shit to her about me and i went to beat him into submission and apologizing with a rotten steak. when i let go of him and he ran away like the rat he is, turning around, i noticed her sitting on a tree stump. she heard him confess, so she wanted to talk to me and unlike real life things turned out so good, when i woke up next to arizona for a few moments of bliss i just knew i was next to ithaka.
made me think, when arizona said the next day, that she was lonely and felt like she used me, but wasn’t i using her as much? and wouldn’t that have been sorta okay, if at least we both knew what we were doing and honest about it? she was alone and needed someone next to me, i was as well, we craved not each other, but the warmth and safety of another, any body, because falling asleep really is so much easier when one is not alone, alone with his breathing, alone with his thoughts, alone with his tears. don’t think one of us could have grown illusions that we’d marry someday, no matter what would have happened next.
well, i knew that. she knew that. but i fear she didn’t know that i knew that, ‘cause, well, you know, i’m me. i’m lost for words how to describe why i do gestures like bringing her a sandwich to work next day. no intention but that i figured out she was not really great at taking care of herself, at least back then, and getting shitfaced on an empty stomach everyday is always a bad idea, and i wanted her to be a bit more healthy. maybe wasn’t my place but did it anyway, took me three attempts to get a nice sauce done, even got the expensive italian bread without crust. she said she liked it, but i was almost sure that she didn’t appreciate it as a small gesture of compassion, but a romantic or ‹trying to get in her pants› kind of one, or something?
i mean i kept flirting with her, i sat at the bar and drew her again, wrote another poem and look at her kindly and when she asked i said ‹just like looking at you› as smirk as i could to make her blush – really interesting how you can still make an almost forty year old woman blush – but not because i wanted to fuck her or anything – i mean i would have fucked her, she was insanely hot, but that was beyond the point – the point was that i hated to see her sad like this, especially because of some idiot that wasn’t worth it, and i wanted to make her smile and feel appreciated, loved and wanted, in the most genuine and pure way i could. but i did all that in my usual, helpless autistic manner that is usually so very misunderstood by people i care about and i lacked the qualities to explain it, i would always just hope someday someone would understand, but arizona was not that person, i guess.
i mean not even ithaka understood me properly, and i never often in my life i had felt so much understood as by her and it still didn’t work out, and my ‹cute, little gestures› drove her to deteste me, i believe. and her i love dearly, in a romantic, passionate way, i mean, but now it seems i was doing the same thing to arizona, whom i did care about, for whatever reason, but in a more, i don’t know, brotherly way? but to her i must have been some annoying asshole from a bar who went all in after one day, ‘twas surprising she let me near her at all. but i guess i just don’t seem much threatening like other men, only odd, silly, but in sort of a cute way. look at me and any woman will know, i wont make any move without explicitly being told to. maybe that was another reason why she felt like she was using me, i don’t know.
but even if she did, i wouldn’t even have cared. being close to her, having arizona wrapped up in my arms was nice and i wasn’t even thinking about ithaka all of the time while i did so. man, i didn’t even care that she probably thought about ralph the whole time, i know, with someone else something like that could’ve hurt, but here ‘twas fine. we were just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl, and if we had ever talked about that, properly i mean, not just in vague philosophical statements, something like that could have had ended in a working relationship, i go even further, i mean, whenever you meet such honesty and openness in a relationship like that, it could have been a great one. but that was not in our script, we knew that. in my script was sending a letter to ithaka in desperate hope that it could change things, in her script was, well, i didn’t read it, but i figure a whole lot more sadness before she would have felt better again.
we spend another night together, on her couch, falling asleep watching ‹the rookie› – actually started to watch that on my own that day because of it – no weird dreams this time, just more back pain. ‘twas nice, every moment with her was quite nice, she’s a cool cat, but ‚twas different, you know? next day we walked the dog and she brought me home. told her to text me, if she needs something, i really meant, when i said i want to be there for her, and i think she really meant, when she said she would, but of course she never did. gave her another poem too, i wrote the night before, something cute, but very kitsch, too intense, thrakia – another friend – said i shouldn’t give it to her so early, but then why would i have written it so early, it doesn’t work for me that way, doesn’t make sense. she probably thought i’m one of the schoolboys that fall in love so easily before they ever shared a kiss and to be honest that’s fair, i probably would do something like this, but not this time. she never talked to me again, moved away, back to the states, i think, but i hope, i really hope, even if she didn’t want to see me again after that, to protect me from getting hurt or whatever she might have thought that day, i hope it made her smile nonetheless.